Time to toughen up

Last week a 6-year-old girl was told she couldn’t wear her new Barbie watch to school, as teachers at the Waterside Primary School, Hampshire, feared the metal winder could injure someone when she raised her hand in class. They obviously hadn’t considered that anyone in the proximity of said watch at the time of the hand being raised was more likely to be injured by the hard, pointy finger jutting into the air, and in any case, anyone hovering over a 6-year-old for too long probably deserves to have their eye poked out.

I recall a ban on knives at school when a small kid stabbed himself with the school bully’s switchblade. This included those in the canteen (we instead had to smash our food up with hammers). Guns soon followed, putting an end to the annual 1st Year hunt, and then landmines, which made games of football against opposing schools far less entertaining.

Kids these days aren’t quite as tough as we were in our youth; Tippex, chewing gum and earrings have all hit the contraband list at most schools but banning watches is going a little too far. Following this train of thought, there will soon be a ban on: shoes (offensive foot-laden kicking instruments); ties (handy suicide props); pencils (lead-based stabbing devices) and learning (because too much knowledge in the wrong hands is a dangerous thing).

Children will instead be encouraged to sit in feather-filled sacks in white padded rooms while teachers read them Harry Potter through specially muffled speakers, in order to preserve their delicate ears. With all this protection, children will emerge from school 12 years later as 6-year-olds in slightly bigger clothes. And we'll give them their Barbie watches back and say "There you go, you're responsible enough to own these now." But because they haven't learnt to tell the time, they won't know what to do with them, so they'll just put them on, raise their hands and poke our eyes out instead.