Thai Joyride

Thailand: Land of Smiles. I’ll tell you why they’re all smiling – it’s because they're about to rip you off, the bastards. The man on the street (“Sorry sir, big demonstration today, so Grand Parace crosed. You come buy suit instead”), the taxi drivers (“Sorry sir, big demonstration today, so I take you to station via Peru”), and the restaurant workers (“Sorry sir, big demonstration today, so I add 16 iced teas to your bill”).

Admittedly, when the average person in Thailand earns less in a year than the average westerner does in a month, I don’t blame them for trying. I just wish they would be a bit more honest about it. The taxi driver who took me on a wild goose chase for half an hour only got an extra 50p out of me, but the time I arrived at my destination I was fuming. I would have much preferred it if he’d just said “Rook Guv, you pay me extra 30 baht now or I take you on tour of Thairand.”

When I went to Ibiza a couple of years ago, I knew I was being fleeced (I mean honestly – fifty quid to get into a club? Does the music help you get laid or something? Oh… yeah.). But being short-changed for virtually every transaction in Bangkok just gets really tiring and makes you regard everyone with an element of distrust. If anyone talks to you, it’s likely that they’re after your money and if anyone shakes your hand, well, they probably just lent in bird shit.

Of course, there is the possibility that they saw me coming a mile off – pasty white skin and no concept of pronunciation whatsoever (I actually directed one tuk tuk driver to an island in the south of the country instead of my hotel), so maybe I’d have been better off braiding my hair they rolling around in shit to look like the more experienced travellers.

Thought of the day: how come you never see a fat Thai when they all eat phat thai? Answers on a postcard please.