Interview Technique
In general, I'm a pretty relaxed kinda guy. When gigantic cyborg ants eventually decide to invade earth and declare themselves our new insect masters, I'll be the one saying "Hey, this isn't so bad! Shifting leaves all day keeps us fit! And have you seen the legs on that Queen? Hubba hubba!"
However, there is something about going for an interview that overcomes my inclination to 'chill with the still' and turns me into a blubbering, twitching wreck. I'll be fine on the way there - calm, confident, all those things your mother tells you to be, but the instant I get inside the building I begin to go to pieces. My hands start to clam up and my legs begin to twitch. By the time the interviewer asks me in, I'm so concerned about my appearance that I've forgotten where I am.
"Good Morning, Mr Cookson."
" Ah, good morning. Two sausage rolls and a pound of ham please."
"This isn't a butcher, Mr Cookson."
"Oh, I'm so sorry, how embarrassing! I'll just take this box of luxury chocolates."
"Please put down the telephone, Mr. Cookson."
Things don't get any better once the interview begins. I'll start to answer a question, but half way through, I'll notice a mole on the interviewer's forehead and suddenly I'll be able to think about nothing else. My mouth will become entirely detached from my brain; the words keep coming out but I can no longer hear them - all I can think about is mole. Suddenly I'll snap back into reality, and the interviewer will be looking at me like I've lost the plot.
"Well, Mr Cookson, your views on the extermination of insectivorous ground-dwelling mammals are certainly interesting, if a little extreme. But what does that have to do with customer satisfaction?"
One hour later, and I will have either been removed from the premises or arrested. This obviously isn't an ideal set of circumstances when you're in need of employment. One might have thought I'd get better at this as I got older - in fact, the opposite seems to be the case. I only hope I don't have to go for an interview when I'm in my 60s - I'll have barely got through the door before calling the receptionist a crack whore and telling the security guard his mother's an astronaut. Which I guess makes me pretty well suited for the customer service industry.
posted by Matt at 5:09 PM
7 Comments:
Interviews are never easy. My trick is to wear something comfortable and 'relaxed' yet formal. My compromise is a pinstriped bikini. I find it shows my back-hair weave off to its best effect. Impressions count!
I Like tomatoes!!!!!
Abraham - that's a damn good idea. I don't have a bikini, so I'll just have to dust off the old pistriped thong and corset set my mother gave me for Christmas.
Bookoflove - I like tomatoes too!!!!! What's your point?
A friend of mine went to an interview with a wetsuit under his suit - it was a job on an oil rig - and he got the job.
It's a rubbish tip though as it certainly didn't help me join HSBC's marketing department.
Tomatoes calm me down before an interview. Not sure why, but does the trick for me.
I just looked up tomato on dictionary.com (don't ask me why - I just felt that way inclined), and its secondary definition is 'A woman regarded as attractive'. Excuse me? If anyone can provide a single documented case of copulation triggered by the line "Cor, you're a right tomato" I will eat my own head.
But thank's for the tip bookoflove, I'll try tomatoes next time.
i knew of someone who actually shit themselves during an interview. It was near the end of it so the smell didn't have time to linger in the room. She didn't get the job incidentally
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