Tax Return Evasion

It’s emerged today that the Inland Revenue has overpaid tax credits for the second year running, to the tune of £2.2 billion. This must be an entirely different Inland Revenue to the one that I use, because my Inland Revenue are a stingy bunch of bastards who can’t even be arsed to do their own work, let alone dole out free cash. Last year, they sent me a self-assessment tax return. So I phoned them.

Me: You’ve sent me a self-assessment tax return.

IR: Yes. We’d like you to fill it out.

Me: But there’s nothing in here that applies to me. This is for people who have lots of money.

IR: And you don’t?

Me: No. You’ve already taxed me dry.

IR: Well, we’ve sent it to you, so you better fill it out. Otherwise we’ll charge you £100.

Me: But there’s nothing on here for me to fill out! I’m going to have to write ‘not applicable’ on every page!

IR: Yes you will. And we’ll charge you £100 if you don’t.

I furiously filled out the form, writing ‘not applicable’ on 40 pages of nonsensical tax bollocks, then copied my P60 onto the final page. Not long after, I received a letter saying “Oh, looks like you didn’t need to fill this out after all” so I assumed that would be the end of the matter. A few weeks ago, they sent me another self-assessment tax return. So I phoned them.

Me: You’ve sent me another self-assessment tax return.

IR: Yes. We’d like you to fill it –

Me: Listen, you little fucker, this is what you said last year and it doesn’t apply to me. I might as well write ‘stick this up your shitter’ on every page, because that’s all it’s going to be good for when you get it. If I had any money it would be a different matter, but I don’t because you’ve already lined your stinking pockets with it. Now piss off back to playing solitaire in your dirty grey cubicle you weasely little snotbag.

That’s how the conversation went in my head anyway. They eventually conceded that perhaps I wasn’t the high-flying entrepreneur that they had mistaken me for and told me to ignore the tax return. A few days later, I received a letter saying “Please ignore your tax return. BUT IF ANY OF YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES CHANGE OR IF YOU FIND SOME MONEY DOWN THE BACK OF THE SOFA, YOU MUST GIVE IT TO US.” A few days after that, I received another letter saying “By the way – if you’re lying, we’ll get you.”

This is why it surprises me that the Inland Revenue seem to have let £2.2 billion slip away. Having said that, in 1991 a bunch of postal workers managed to fleece them for £7 million by setting up a bank account in the name of Inlandi Revendi and rerouting any cheques that passed their way. Perhaps if they got off their arses and started checking the figures by themselves instead of asking poor sods like me to do it, they might realise when they’re missing the GDP of a third-world country.

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