There's A Monster In All Of Us

I’m a mug for supermarket offers. The minute I walk in, trolley in tow, I make a beeline for the ends of the aisles, to see what bargains I can pick up (please don’t mistake this for the ‘reduced’ shelf. I’m not so tight that I’d buy a month-old artichoke for 6p). The supermarkets have clearly cottoned on to this, as the offers are getting more and more outlandish. Not too long ago, I came across a Buy 6, get 6 Free! offer on Müller Fruit Corners. “Fantastic!” I thought, and promptly bought 24. Of course, I hadn’t considered that I would need to eat 4 of my hastily-purchased novelty yoghurts every day just to keep on top of things. And of course, I hadn’t considered that I would forget about them until Wednesday, meaning I had to eat 8 a day to stop a yoghurt colony forming in my fridge. By Sunday I had Müller goodness leaking out of my eyes. But I never learn. I came across another offer recently that seemed too good to pass up: Buy one get one free! on 450g packets of Sugar Puffs. Now, that may not seem too bad until you consider that that’s almost a kilogram of Sugar Puffs. Do you know how much Sugar Puffs weigh? Nothing. They have to tie the packets to the shelves to stop them from floating off. I had just bought 8 million Sugar Puffs and two months later I’m still eating the bastards. It’s no wonder that fucker Honey Monster looks the way he does; I’m beginning to go a bit fuzzy around the edges myself. I bet you thought that was a man in a suit? No. William H. Monster was a normal child like you or I until he became addicted to the ‘Puffs. He went all yellow and furry; all the kids at school started calling him Honey and the rest is history. I don’t even like Sugar Puffs.

Damn you, Tesco! Damn yoooooooooooooooou!