And Our Survey Said...
Every now and again I receive an email in my inbox from Ciao, asking if I’d like to earn £1.04 by taking part in a new and interesting survey on novelty socks. These surveys are rarely new and almost never interesting, but I persevere with them in the belief that completing enough will one day turn me into a multi-millionaire. I can almost hear the banter at society parties:
“You see him, over there? That’s Matt Cookson, he’s in surveys.”
“Really? What sort?”
“Themed footwear, mostly. But I hear he dabbles in confectionary and bathroom products.”
“Sounds like quite a guy. Fancy snorting some caviar?”
My current balance stands at around the £9.42 mark. This rather meagre performance is due largely to the qualifying questions one has to go through before being allowed to take part. I have learnt by now never to mention my journalistic endeavours (they really hate journalists) and marketing is well out too.
Having traversed these early stumbling blocks, you are then asked a series of demographics to make sure you fit their market. Stuff like ‘how many illegitimate children have you bastardised’ and ‘have you ever had sex with a squirrel’. Having finally made it through these, you’re home and dry. Or so you would have thought. The other day I spent ten minutes clicking on pictures of Polos, during which time the status bar reached the 60% complete mark, when I suddenly received a message saying "Sorry, but you are not suitable for this survey. Goodbye.”
Not fucking suitable? Know too much about Polos do I? Not good enough to suck your mint with a hole, huh? I quickly scribed an email to Ciao demanding my £1.04 and telling them I didn’t like being ripped off. They simply wrote back telling me that 60% of the questions were assessing my suitability to take part in the survey. Further investigation revealed that I would have only been suitable had I been a plate-spinner from Leeds called Nigel. I mean, I know they need to target a specific audience, but this is ridiculous.
Anyway, I’m going to have to let it rest there – a 54p survey on garden gnomes has just dropped into my inbox. High society here I come!
“You see him, over there? That’s Matt Cookson, he’s in surveys.”
“Really? What sort?”
“Themed footwear, mostly. But I hear he dabbles in confectionary and bathroom products.”
“Sounds like quite a guy. Fancy snorting some caviar?”
My current balance stands at around the £9.42 mark. This rather meagre performance is due largely to the qualifying questions one has to go through before being allowed to take part. I have learnt by now never to mention my journalistic endeavours (they really hate journalists) and marketing is well out too.
Having traversed these early stumbling blocks, you are then asked a series of demographics to make sure you fit their market. Stuff like ‘how many illegitimate children have you bastardised’ and ‘have you ever had sex with a squirrel’. Having finally made it through these, you’re home and dry. Or so you would have thought. The other day I spent ten minutes clicking on pictures of Polos, during which time the status bar reached the 60% complete mark, when I suddenly received a message saying "Sorry, but you are not suitable for this survey. Goodbye.”
Not fucking suitable? Know too much about Polos do I? Not good enough to suck your mint with a hole, huh? I quickly scribed an email to Ciao demanding my £1.04 and telling them I didn’t like being ripped off. They simply wrote back telling me that 60% of the questions were assessing my suitability to take part in the survey. Further investigation revealed that I would have only been suitable had I been a plate-spinner from Leeds called Nigel. I mean, I know they need to target a specific audience, but this is ridiculous.
Anyway, I’m going to have to let it rest there – a 54p survey on garden gnomes has just dropped into my inbox. High society here I come!
posted by Matt at 10:57 AM
3 Comments:
I'm the plate spinner from Leeds, unfortunately, I'm a Nigella, not a Nigel. Ho hum.
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