New Year's Resolution (Mk.II)

I actually had another New Year’s resolution – abstention from booze. I realise that this is probably the most common (and most commonly broken) promise that New Year fad-followers make to themselves, but sod it – I’ve got spots on the insides of my eyelids and fur growing on my tongue so it’s definitely time for a detox. I set a reasonable time-frame: one month. In fact, I only lasted 18 hours.

“We’re going to start cooking properly – it’s one of my New Year’s Resolutions.”

Excuse me? Chicken, rice and peas is proper fucking cooking. You have to use pans and everything. Marilisa, however, was on a roll.

“This recipe of Jamie’s looks good: The Best Boozed Up Risotto With Booze, Diseased Livers and Booze.”

“Er, does it have any alcohol in it?”

“Just a splash of wine. Of course we’ll need to finish the bottle – it was a gift from my parents so I’m not letting it go to waste.”

So on day one of not drinking I washed down an alcohol-fuelled rice dish with two glasses of alcohol. But resolutions broken by other resolutions don’t count. If they did, time would start going backwards, the universe would implode and the only thing left would be unsmoked gym memberships and diets trying to be nice to each other. Or something.